Hiatus

Redirecting you to Cafe Now.

As stated above in the description of this blog and in a previous post, As Is, this blog was partly inspired by a tool created and highly recommended by writer/artist Julia Cameron. The idea is to write three long hand pages every morning. Immediately upon rising. To do so before the all too powerful editor wakes fully and starts trying to direct and control all of your thoughts. It's a tool for getting past fourth, third, and second thoughts (veneers not always of our conscious choosing) to first thoughts. To the authentic self.

That's my morning pages description of morning pages anyway. Morning Pages are to be unedited. To not let the pencil pause. No trying to say anything the "right" way. Just letting the hand write down what comes out, however nonsensical it might seem. When one follows the rules (yes, isn't that interesting?...rules about not following any rules) it's the most incredible playdate for the self.

Sometimes in life there's so much confusion and noise that I can't figure out what I really feel. Sometimes I even wonder if I have any of my own unique, original, authentic thoughts or if I'm just a robot parroting back everything I've ever been told to think. But when I've done morning pages the way Julia recommends, I break into something deeper. Thoughts and observations and awarenesses arise that I didn't even know I had and that feel incredibly real and valid. And the more I practice, the stronger this little voice becomes. And she begins putting in appearances in other avenues of my life, outside of morning page practice. It's nice when she does that. I feel more whole then.

The idea to try and do the morning pages online was an experiment. Obviously I'm not getting here every day. It's not that I don't like what I've written. It's just that it's still strained. Still too much "trying" to write. Still not completely first thoughts. And instead of it taking me a half hour or so to write real morning pages, I have to admit it takes me several hours to write here. I'm still worried that it's public. That people might be reading it. Which causes me stress. (Another thing to work on--perfectionism. Fear that people will think I'm not good enough or loveable if I don't write--or do--something perfectly. Geesh.)

I thought writing here might actually help me with that, but so far it doesn't seem to be working. So...I need to devote this time to exercising. To giving myself, and that scared little voice, a safe place to experiment and play and get used to talking and becoming and growing. A place out of the public eye. She's like a scared little wild child that has lived her whole life alone in the woods. She's just learning to speak. To say what she feels and thinks. To share her observations. Sorry little one for bringing you here. To this public place. And expecting you to feel comfortable. My bad.

So for now I'll be be honoring this child, and encouraging her to speak, in private. Perhaps sometimes sharing something publicly if she permits. Hopefully she will become fully integrated over time. I will still write publicly-- inviting the child to sit safe and quiet beside me--over at Cafe Now.

Cafe Now has been an on again off again place for me to write. As is evidenced by the wide gaps in posts. That's the other thing I'm working on. I'm so interested in so many different things, in addition to all my responsibilities as a wife and mother and homemaker, I tend to lose focus. In fact my focus is fairly shattered, like a mirror, reflecting bits of light in all different directions but no real clear picture. It is my goal in the next few weeks to begin putting that mirror back together. To organize my workspace, both internal and external. To have a space online where I can post a thought, a video, a recommended article, a recipe, a quote, an opinion piece, a story, whatever--in one unified place instead of scattering it all to the four winds.

And in time, perhaps first thoughts will be reflected more and more. Not only in my online space, but more importantly--in my moment to moment life. First thoughts as opposed to all the thoughts everyone else--society, education, the culture, the media, the government... tells us to have.